ENTRY 0014, July 12, 2004
It has been really eventful since my last entry. What has
happened?
1. We went to Europe again.
2. The Europe Cup Football finals matches were held.
3. Iraq got autonomy from the United States.
4. John Kerry Named John Edwards as his running mate.
5. I got a vasectomy
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We took our friend Kathy to Europe. This was trip #10 for us, #1
for her. See enjoyed it. We did many old things again, and
a few new ones.
Some observations:
DO NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES, GO SEE THE CHANGING OF THE GUARD AT
BUCKINGHAM PALACE. Go see it at Windsor or The Tower of
London. At the smaller places, it is quick, to the point and
looks good. The one at Buckingham Palace is huge, drawn out,
looks no more impressive than the smaller changes, and worst of all,
LOADED WITH TOURISTS!!! I have nothing against tourists, in
general, but tourists can be idiots.
Case in point. We got a spot right at the fence for the
changing. I had my camera out, set on movie mode so I could take
footage of the changing. Next to us was a tourist. And her
friend. Once the changing began, they began talking.
Loudly. Nonstop. While I was filming. Finally one
ducks out. Good. No, Bad. She comes back with a small
child. Apparently her husband is at the back of the crowd with
the kid. So now we have the loud woman, her loud friend, and a
loud child. All the time I have the movie running. All the
time, very little is happening in the changing. One group of men
is lined up and some guy is marching back and forth with a flag.
Over and over. There is a drumbeat. Eventually the guy with
the flag stops and another group of soldiers marches up.
Then begins the battle of the bands. Each group of soldiers has a
band, and each takes turns playing songs. About this time the
loud woman next to me with the child decides she can't see well enough,
and tries to climb up the fence. She bumps me so hard that I drop
the camera. Luckily, I had the strap around my wrist, so it does
not crash to the ground. I say "Jesus" out of shock, and she
looks at me like it is my fault. She stops trying to climb the
fence, and holds her child up instead. Eventually she puts the
kid down, goes to the back and brings back... ANOTHER KID!!!! Now
we have two women talking loudly, two kids talking, shoving, pushing
and fighting, and not much going on in the change, other than the bands
playing and a few people marching hither and thither.
After a few more minutes, it became obvious that the changing of the
guard was not worth the effort, and we bailed, giving more space for
the loud woman and her family... I deleted the footage, seeing as
how it was nothing more than soldiers standing around, accompanied by
foreign-language commentary and high-pitched laughter.
So instead, we went to Saint James' park, which connects Buckingham
Palace to Whitehall. It is a beautiful park, filled with many,
many birds.
Other than this, we also went to the London Aquarium, which was a bit
of a let-down after the aquaria we have here in California.
We went to see Harry Potter and the
Prisoner of Azkaban at the Odeon Theatre in Leicester
Square. It had its grand premiere at this theatre. It was a
good show, but was a bit expensive. This theatre has assigned
seats, just like a theatre that has plays. And the ticket prices
vary with seat quality. We had good seats, and our tickets were
£12, which works out to about $23 per person. Dang, I
thought our cineplexes were expensive. Of course, gasoline
runs about $5.50 per gallon in England.
Other than this, it was a lot of repeat things, for the benefit of
Kathy.
Next time we are going by ourselves. We have not done this since
trip #6, and we are looking forward to renting a flat and living the
London life for a week or so.
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I go myself a vasectomy. The doc
needed a clean operating field, so the hair had to go. Here is what
happens in the vasectomization process:
1. You get up in the morning, shower
as usual, then shave your balls. If you are like me, this is unfamiliar
territory, so you must be careful. I still managed to nick myself once.
That bleeds like a sonofabitch!
2. Go to doctor's office. The nurse
escorts you into an examination room where you get you weight, blood
pressure and temp taken.
3. The nurse disappears for a while
then comes back with a big glass of water and a valium.
(YAY!!!!!!) She
instructs you to chew the valium, then drink all the water.
4. You wait some more. Then the nurse
comes back and leads you to the procedure room.
5. She gives you a hospital gown and
instructs you to take off all your clothes, except for socks. Once you
are wearing that gown with no back, she tells you to lay on the table.
Once you are lying down, she raises it up way off the floor. Then she
puts a blanket on you and disappears again.
6. The doctor and nurse come in. The
doc exchanges some pleasantries, then removes the blanket and pulls up
your gown, exposing you to the mocking eye of your nurse. (that room
was cold. No, really!)
7. The doc takes a long strip of
surgical tape and tapes your johnson against your belly, to keep it out
of the way. Then he and the nurse douse you with what seems to be
gallons of betadine solution. This is also cold.
8. The doctor arranges a little paper
dealie, with a whole in the middle, around your nuts. He comments on
how well you shaved, pretending not to notice the self-inflicted wound
from your attempt to de-hair yourself earlier.
9. The doctor grabs a syringe with a
needle attached and then begins to pump your scrotum full of pain
killer. He does this the way a dentist does it. Poke the needle in,
squirt a bit of anaesthetic, move the needle a bit more, repeat.
eventually your balls are so numb that he could play golf with them and
you would not really notice.
10. At this point the doctor grabs a
scalpel. It takes you a moment to
realize that all of this was entered into voluntarily by you, and now a
person is sitting with a razor-sharp cutting instrument mere inches
away from all you hold dear. Then
he takes the knife and makes an 1cm incision in your scrotum.
11. using a hook-shaped device, the
reaches in, fishes around for a second and comes out with a
tissue-covered tube, the vas deferans (Remember, kids, there's a vas
deferans between males and females).
12. After carefully removing the
covering tissues, the doctor exposes the vas. He ties off a section at
both ends. He then cuts it with an ultrasharp pair of scissors. He
removes a section about 4cm long.
13. The whole time all of this is
happening, you really can't see anything, as you are lying down flat.
If you raise up, you might be able to see something, but this might
annoy the doctor. Then the doctor reaches for a small tool, the
portable cautery. He applies this to the cut ends of the vas. Even if
you can't see what he is doing, you can see the smoke rising from your
groin. The smell is like that little chunk of meat that gets stuck to
the barbeque while doing chicken...
14. The doctor is now finished with
the first vas. Using the little hook-thing he fishes out the second vas
and repeats the procedure. More tying, more smoke. Then he's done.
15. The Nurse swabs all the betadine
off your body, applies some neosporin to your incision and helps you
into a tight-fitting supportive garment, better known as a jockstrap.
They give you instructions, gauze and a hearty handshake.
16. For the next three days you are
instructed to stay reclined and to keep a bag of ice attached to your
balls at all times. People who ignore these instructions can end up
with a purple scrotum which seems to be holding two of the world's most
sensitive oranges.
17. After this, you are required to
ejaculate an average of once per day for the next month. (Dang, A
doctor's order to screw my wife and masturbate furiously!)
18. after the month you will msturbate
for the doctor, and bring the resulting secretions to him for
examination. If the doctor discovers no sperm, you are now oficially
clear to screw to your heart's content, with no fear of getting anyone
pregnant!
Anyway, what's new?
-Bush is still a lying moron.
-We still have two working rovers on Mars. That is still Too Cool
For Words.
-Since John Kerry has named John Edwards as his running mate, the
following joke has begon to circulate. Why did Kerry choose
Edwards? Because it's gonna take TWO JOHNS to flush the shit out
of the White House.
-Today is Bill Cosby's Birthday. I only remember it because of
the story he tells about Junior Barnes and the Slushball.
Well, I gotta run.
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